Write down the qualities you'd like
      him to have on a piece of paper

in red ink (job, car, hot, no kids, 6 ft 2). Fold
      the paper in half. Place it in a silver box

inside the drawer of the nightstand next
      to your bed in the corner of the room. Now

you may begin to set the scene for marital
      success. Objects that appear in pairs suggest

the presence of reciprocated attention. Start
      by acquiring a second chair & hope he pays

no mind to the legs, which have seen better
      days. Actually, he only thinks to praise you

for the strength you must’ve endured, luggin’
      it all by yourself from the alley where it was

abandoned, next to the nearest dilapidated
      CVS (the kind that locks up all the brown

concealers, too dark for you
      to steal). He’ll come

to appreciate your resourcefulness when
      you’ve got a couple bags of rice to hold

you over until payday. So buy a second
      couch pillow. Buy a second lamp. Think

long-term investment: a second vibrating
      toothbrush becomes a second dildo

harness, slung off the neck of Guitar
      Number Two you will never learn

to play. At Conde Nast & subsidiaries,
      we truly hope he plays the guitar like

a woman—no embarrassing you at birth-
      day parties with his version of “Creep.”

He even knows who SOPHIE is (thanks to you,
      Knower of Cool Things). You deserve a man

who can replace the wall of arpeggiated synths
      on “Is it Cold in the Water?” with a rhythm of real

good strums. Stimulated intuition has you
      glued to our Advice, spawning a sequence

of Amazon & Wayfair tabs (you’ll have to split
      the place in half). If the demarcation proves

fucking impossible, as it tends with limited
      square footage, once you’ve found your future

husband, just let him call dibs on the desk
      if he threatens to lea– scrolling down to where

the action is!… TO SECURE A Husband, strip
      the bed of any hint at non-commitment. Clean

sheets deplete the probability of him prematurely
      leaving, “skeeved-out” by a buildup of

someone else’s cum. Dated duds must be
      discharged from your wardrobe, allowing synergy

to circulate, which screams: I AM AN IDEAL
      MATE!!! Once everything is nice/empty

it is time to incorporate feng shui into your
      behavior. To manifest a union built on true

high-vibrational intimacy, commit to falling
      asleep on one side of the bed. Face your body

toward the space where his body would be IS.
      Close your eyes & find your life, flaccidly

fleshed out like a film noir. You fade
      to black before the frame unveils

a future: you don’t have to work as hard 

      to put yourself to sleep.

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Image: “Jackpots Triple Play” by Shane Allison