Wig

I’m keeping up with the Kardashians. That’s the secret to stealth. Now that the corporations are having a ball, so am I, impersonating myself. Of course, with my down-market pout and my middle-brow tastes, I’m in the low bunk, but must all my states of consciousness be altered? It’s a bigger problem than you might think. In my saint’s haircut, television running shoes, and re-calibrated safety scissors, I like to turn up the blue furnace so I can watch the red flames. Thank goodness I have a magnifying glass eye and an inconclusive birthday. Otherwise, like an old door in need of new paint, this would be just another one of those days. Aunt Moira’s wig looks terrific though, doesn’t it? No, it can’t possibly be poisonous, yet. It’s just a baby snake.

Lucky’s Cadillac

Even though I was dressed in my most outgoing clothes, I failed my Myers-Briggs personality test, so afterwards, I bought the best unicycle money can buy. It even works in the rain. So far, no suspicion of foul play, although in the Tibetan Book of the Living it warns, Carry only as much cash as you’re willing to lose. Last week, I forgot to attend my memory workshop again, so now I’m making it up to myself by hearing voices in my sleep. I find that it’s better if I don’t let on. After all, who doesn’t want something for nothing? You know how Hegel said, Every idea, extended into infinity, becomes its own opposite? That’s why I like to borrow Lucky’s fire-engine red Cadillac. No matter how high I turn up the air conditioning, sure enough, that damn car is still built to burn.

Positive Attitude

I’m a man of my stature, hard edged and soft middled, so today I’m wearing somebody else’s pants and carefully reviewing my secret instructions to myself. It’s often helpful to see things from another’s perspective, so, like other temporary humans, I’m just working for the man—part time. One step forward, half a step backward, at least until I can scrape together a few morphemes and centimes to pay for these multi-directional shoes. Of course, like everyone else, I have needs I never knew I needed, so, like subliminal advertising, I’m now speaking in my best Antarctic accent and cooling down in my warm-up jacket. You too, can thrill your friends and family, although it may be best to do so at an undisclosed location, in case the factory warranty expires and you have to fully replace them. But don’t worry, it’s all part of the plan. Be sure to put it on the front burner. Sure, that’s easier said than done, even if losers can’t be winners, and the bottom line is at the top, but all it takes is a positive attitude, a new lease on life—with an option to buy—and a couple of billion in Treasury bonds. Needless to say, not in that order.

---

Image: “Bark To The Future” from Nicole Monroe