“Seven Bachelor Party Ideas Rejected By My Friend, Joe (The Groom)” by Eric K. Auld

1. We buy two different flavors of Jell-O and combine them to create one brand new flavor. We wait for four hours. After the Jell-O cools, we each take a spoonful, shake hands, and depart. Not one word is spoken during the entire encounter.

2. We each buy a bottle of spring water (twenty ounces) and sit in a dark room, drinking our waters quietly. When we have all finished, we bang the empty bottles against our knees in unison for seven hours, maintaining a slow, steady rhythm of forty-five beats per minute.

3. We pick a lamp—any lamp will do—and gather in a circle around it. We remove the lampshade and take turns clicking the light on and off until the bulb breaks. We then disperse.

4. Debate night: Autumnal Ennui versus Beckettian Despair.

5. I have some shirts that need ironing. We each choose one shirt and take turns on a brand new ironing board, paid for by Joe.

6. We buy a bag of hats. We watch Joe try on every hat from the bag. (This should take no more than two to three minutes, assuming we buy at least twenty to twenty-five hats.)

7. We obtain an extremely large pot of coffee (at least ten gallons). Over the course of a few hours, we drink every last drop and refrain from using the bathroom. Once the pot is empty, we proceed to a circular urinal in the center of the room. We join hands and close our eyes, creating the sound of the world’s longest collaborative unbroken man-made stream.

Eric K. Auld is a writer, musician, and aspiring nihilist from Upstate New York. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet TendencyThought CatalogLifehacker, and Grammar for Grownups. His first poetry chapbook, Bent Like Drums, is available online. Follow him on Twitter at @erickauld. Or don’t. Live your own life. 

Image: “Washington Tavern, 1974,” from Albany Public Library History Collection

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